More Psychoanalyzing of QAF Season 2...

The end of Season 2 marks the (albeit temporary) end of Brian & Justin's relationship.

I'm always iffey between whether the beginning of the end of their relationship was in 215 or 214. I tend to usually lean towards 214 since I think that the shock & trauma of nearly being raped (even though it was NEVER mentioned or dealt with...damn Cowlip...) had to have thrown Justin off kilter. And that whole episode made him even more dependent on Brian in general. Having to accept his loan and most likely depending on Brian to feel better & safe after his scare. Odds are that that night when Justin got back to the loft the only thing he wanted to do was be held by Brian~ who wasn't there. And since Justin became more dependent there, the events in the following couple of episodes just made him more desperate to know what he meant to Brian.

I'm not going to start repeating myself (I hope) since I've already analyzed 214, 215, 216. But I'll probably have to briefly touch on them again.

I think 214-217 are directly responsible for opening the door to Ethan. And I don't mean that in an 'oh, well Justin met Ethan in 216' type of way. But that the afteraffects of th events in 214 (near rape), 215 (Brian destroying/pissing on artwork), 216 (Brian refusing to celebrate Justin's birthday/accomplishments) & 217 (which is analyzed below) pushed Justin to do a few things:

1) The obvious: Justin needed to get his needs met. I think he had tried so hard to harden his feelings and his heart in this season, so that things (Brian's continued tricking, his father's continued rejection and the bashing & its affects~ trying to just push it aside and forget about it) wouldn't hurt him nearly as much as they had the ability to. So after trying to suppress his emotions, he needed to let them out a bit. He needed to feel something. Something that he wouldn't neccessarily be able to feel from Brian. Sure, he loved Brian, very much, but Justin didn't need to feel a one-sided emotion~ he needed those emotions to be returned. So he hooked up with Ethan and Justin was able to pretend that he loved him by redirecting his love for Brian.

2) Justin wanted to hurt Brian. As bad or worse than he had been hurt. And he knew that by just going out and fucking someone wouldn't accomplish that. In fact, Brian would most likely congratulate and encourage him fucking some ass. But, by allowing his emotions to get involved, to fuck the guy more than once~ that would cut Brian to the quick and hurt him. I'm not saying that Justin was actually even aware of why he was doing what he was doing. I think the desire to make Brian suffer a bit might have been a subconcious thing that he did, but he accomplished it. Justin's not really a vengeful person (lets ignore the whole Pink Posse thing for a sec~ even though I think in a way, that his actions there were justified or if not justified than at least understandable), but he's not all that vengeful. In fact, it's been shown throughout the the series how forgiving Justin is. Who on that show hasn't shit on him?! Everyone's thrown their punches at him and Justin always forgives. But this time with everything that led up to it, he couldn't.

As I said in a few posts back to in response to a comment by rhiannonhero, in episode 214 Justin was thrown off balance by being nearly raped and he became more emotionally dependent and needy on Brian. I'm sure that the only comfort he was truly able to feel after that experience was being in Brian's arms, especially since the way that he would have the year before been comforted, by his art, was no longer really an option to him (I always figured that with his hand, he wasn't able to do any recreational drawing much, since it'd be tired from schoolwork). It also made him financially dependent on Brian, something he tried to avoid at (almost) all costs. He REALLY did not want Brian paying his tuition. He didn't want the jokes about him being Brian's boy toy and Brian being his sugar daddy to become true. So I think there was a certain amount of resentment there for that.

Then the amazingly horrid events of 215 & 216 came into play, that might have reinforced in Justin's mind that he was just 'a trick that stayed to long' or that Brian was only with him out of guilt. He needed to know otherwise, hence the whole Vermont trip in 217. He desperately needed Brian to disprove these feelings and instead he inadvertantly solidified them. To Justin, it seemed that Brian simply blew him and the trip off to go on an ordinary business trip. If Brian had taken the time to explain the situation to Justin, that if he didn't go he'd lose his job, and tell him that it would only take a day, then Justin would have realized that Brian did want to be with him and most likely wouldn't have felt so flattered by Ethan's attentions in 218. He needed to feel wanted and Ethan made him feel that way.

And as you can probably tell, whereas most people blamed Justin, I blamed Brian a LOT for the break up. Not that Justin was pure and innocent. He should have been honest with Brian and told him what the fuck was going on in his head. He didn't. But he also had his reasons not to. He probably thought that if he tried to talk to Brian, he'd just be shut down and Brian would go out tricking to avoid him, which would have been just the opposite of what Justin needed. And I think that a lot of his actions could all be traced back to the bashing and how that changed him, his personality and his way of dealing with things. I think one of the major changes he experienced was the loss of being ready to stand up in the face of any sort of confrontation, whereas season 1 Justin wouldn't even hesistate. The often referred to 'Season 2 pod-Justin'. He was just different and in a way had 'learned his lesson' as to what happens when you're in your face and speak up. Which is a shame since that was one of his more admirable qualities. But he couldn't say what he needed to to Brian. He desperately needed him. Remember, immediately after the bashing, Brian was the only one Justin was able to let touch him, to get close to him. He's who Justin needed to help him and I think Justin didn't want to take any chance of losing him by forcing him to talk or inadvertantly backing Brian into a corner and forcing him to pull away. Justin wasn't as able to call Brian on his shit as he had been before and Brian, maybe subconciously maybe knowingly, took advantage of it.

~*~

The reason while there's been such a bloodletting in my journal of these episodes over the last couple of days is that these are things that have bothered me since I first saw the episodes 2 years ago. Apart from episodes 101, 120 & 122~ I saw all of Season 2 before I saw Season 1. And completely out of order. I saw the last 5 Season 2 episodes after I had only seen the first 5 Season 2 episodes. Like I said~ completely out of order. And this shit has just always bothered me and was reignited by watching the episodes lately. I never had an outlet to vent about it before, but I do now~ so I did. Hopefully, this might be the last of it, but maybe not~ I don't know.

~*~

On a completely unrelated note: It's raining outside! And thundering!


Now this might seem normal to most of you, given how it's October and getting closer to winter, but it was over 90° degrees most of this week and over 100° degrees the week before. Hell, Thursday alone it was 93°. And now it's raining?

HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?!

But I do love the rain. It reminds me soo much of San Francisco weather. One of the reasons I love that city so much is the weather. It's absolutely beatiful and I adore when it's cold and gloomy outside. Always just makes me want to stay curled up in bed all day.